The Fattest Girl In The Room.

Everywhere I go, I do the scan. I ask myself, "who is the fattest girl in the room?" I am relieved when I am not, and self conscious when I am. When I see someone fatter than me, my mind reels with thoughts, "Does she know how fat she is?", "Is she trying to lose weight?", "I wonder what size she is...", "How does she feel about herself?" I can't help but wonder these things because when I'M the fattest girl in the room, I think that's what everyone is thinking about me. When I order a burger and fries, it's the "obvious" choice for the fat girl, because she's fat. If I order a salad and grilled chicken, it's the other "obvious" choice for the fat girl, because she's fat. When the fattest girl in the room takes the elevator, it's obvious. She's lazy. When she takes the stairs, she's trying to lose weight.

There is no cure for the fattest girl in the room. There is no right answer from anyone on what shes' really thinking or how she's really feeling. Did she do the fattest girl in the room scan? Who knows. Does she think about these things when she's entering somewhere new? Hopefully not.

When did we stop seeing people for who they were instead of their belt size? I'm disgusted by my own behavior, my own judgements of those people bigger than me, and of myself. IT is NOT LAZINESS why I used to not take the stairs... the stairs were so challenging. If my smaller friends had to carry the weight I had to carry up those stairs, they'd sing a different tune. Whenever I Go out to eat, I used to feel terrible looking at the menu (or the little itty bitty waitress), ordering whatever I ordered.... but why? IS that who I am? Food? Width? I work in a plus clothing store, and I see so many women, all the time, apologising for their sizes. They're ashamed to get my help with anything, especailly if they needed a bigger size in clothes. Seriously, I was there too! I can still remember thinking, "my pants shrunk in the dryer" and I'd buy a bigger size. I never wanted to admit I was getting bigger.

Now that I'm smaller, I still do the scan. I still check and see how small others are compared to me, and how I feel I'll never be at their size. If someone is bigger than me, I don't hatefully judge them, but I do wonder if they realize their state. I didn't know what I was doing to myself until I started this journey... I had no idea how bad I had gotten. My biggest concern is that I will turn in to one of those annoying 'advocate' speakers for WW or weight loss. There was nothign more annoying than knowing I needed to change (but not knowing how badly I did) but I just wasn't ready... and then you meet those people ranting about how you SHOULD be healthier, and how EASY it can be... blah blah blah. I do NOT want to be someone like that.

But honestly, I didn't realize how easy it all can be. I didn't know that this was all even possible. I had given up, not willing to put the work into it because it scared me. Being overweight was part of who I understood myself to be. I have a whole entire repetoire of jokes that my sister, father, and myself share about being big... but now that I'm smaller, I'm afraid I can't use them anymore, or they become insulting. Am I still the same person I was to them? Will I be accepted the same way? I do want them to be healthier, but do I want to try to implement my lifestyle there, forcing it on them? No.
It's amazing how your size really does affect who you think you are. We see it as a flaw, and concnetrate on that... and sometimes, imply our own issues and feelings of self hatred on others when we see those flaws being represented on someone else. I often want to take someone who's big aside, and tell them they don't have to be this way.... but if someone did that to me, WHOOO... would they get a kick in the rear.

I hate being a human being sometimes, full of judgements and assumptions. When I know someone, my judgements are so much less... but one thing I've noticed since being on these boards is that I wonder about that other fat girl in the room... what if she's one of my readers? What if she's in the middle of her journey like me? I just want everyone to be healthy and happy.... and seeing someone who's not completely both makes me feel as if I should somehow help.

*sigh. What a complete headgame.

I've been considering writing a book titled "The Fattest Girl In The Room" and just talking about how a fat girl feels, and how difficult losing weight really is, not even the physical side of it, but the mental and sociological aspects. It might be interesting...

I hope this didn't offend anyone, but these are just thoughts that goes through my head. Days I feel superior (and shouldn't) and days I feel inferior (and shouldn't). I hope that I didn't hurt anyones feelings by what I said, but that you can all see the lining of truth in the above. If anyone does the same, let me know so I can feel less like a psycho!